Is this real Life?

So the climb me and Mike did was crazy insane. However i did not conquer that beast. I ended up stopping 10 meters from the top so you know what that means, next time I'm doing it again. I have accepted the fact that school is really tearing me a new one and it might take me another semester to graduate than I thought. Though for some reason I don't really care. It seems as though coping with my depression/anxiety it makes it very hard to work during stressful periods. Some people may think depression and anxiety are not real illnesses (Tom Cruise). Before I was medicated I didn't leave my house for three months. I would cry without reason to cry, and my head would spin I would get light headed to the point I had to grab my head and lay down and pray to God that I wasn't dying. Everyday I googled my symptoms and they all pointed to one thing BRAIN CANCER. This would freak me out even more I wasn't just mentally sick I was physically sick. I had fevers and I would get sick to my stomach. I have always been frightened that I had cancer because it runs in my family so much. My Grandma had breast cancer went into remission a month later she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She started off living by herself but as her disease progressed she moved in with me and my parents. After a month or so I couldn't take watching my Grandma suffer so I moved out. A couple of months later I was getting ready to head down to my parents for a birthday party or something and my sister in law called and told me that my Grandma had passed away. During this my cousin that was just 26 years old was going through chemo treatments and was wearing a ball cap with a fake pony tail in it as she wore it to my Grandmas funeral. My cousin had gone into remission as well and then was diagnosed with brain cancer the following month or so. She past away about six months later. My uncle who was a smoker for 52 years had finally quit he said he didn't want to be that guy with the oxygen tank. About two years after he quit he was diagnosed with lung cancer and the cancer tore apart his body and he was gone within three months of being diagnosed. My uncle was a Marine for twelve years and he was very proud to be. I was lucky enough to have my friend Dino a Marine there at my uncles funeral standing perfectly still shooting his M-16 on command. I guess I just don't want to live my life in a cube right now while I'm young. I have always loved to be outside and now that I have found cycling the greatest sport in the world it really makes me want to be around it nonstop. Life is too short to be cubed. My Grandma lived a good life, my Uncle too, and even my cousin through her short life she accomplished a lot.

I JUST WANT MORE DAYS LIKE THESE

What motivates me to be a good cyclist? There are many times I ask my self that question in a given day. Maybe I do it to be fit maybe I do it as a release from all the pressures of daily life, or is it cause I want to do good in races? Get up at 5:00am run on the treadmill for 10 minutes not even a mile complete. Stick with it 5:00am everyday listening to the same songs on the iPod starring at the same wall. Get up at 5:00am try not to think about smoking while running listening to the same songs looking at the same wall. Get up at 5:00am I can run a mile in 10 minutes what keeps me motivated, who helps me, who keeps me going? Get up at 5:00am I'm getting stronger I'm learning to suffer telling my body not to stop when it screams to do so. Get up at 5:00 am weigh myself before I run I weigh 170 now not 215. Where did all that go? Did it melt away from my muscle? I'm proud of myself I thank God for being able to be so much more fit and getting into shape. Get up at 5:00am run 3miles in 23 minutes did I just really do that. Go to the bike shop buy a mountain bike ride the mountain bike for a month. Its hard only five miles to begin with. I'm riding on the road all the time I need a road bike. Go to the bike shop put a road bike on layaway. Wow these things are expensive. Purchase the cheapest one for 700 dollars. Close on our house go and pay off road bike. Road cycling in my regular shorts and tennis shoes. Felt like the coolest bike I had ever rode in my life. There's something about this I can't explain it the sound of the tires on the road, the wind, the trees, the cars coming to close, and the simplicity of it. Go to the bike shop look at pedals. They make pedals that your shoes clip into? Weird how long has that been around? Go to MCsports buy my first pair of tights. Find out that they make shorts for cycling with a pad built into them. Go on my first group ride with Roger, Scott, Peter, Norton, Joey, and Jason. Its 32 degrees Im wearing short finger gloves. Joey offers me some of his I decline as my hands don't get to cold. First hill get dropped as I will find out thats what to call it when you are not as fast as others. Split from the group get lost add some miles onto my ride. Find my way back see Jason and Scott they help me along the rest of the way. Do more group rides get dropped more. Do more group rides get dropped more. Do more group rides get dropped more. Do more group rides get dropped more. Do you think you will shave your legs for the race season? Shave your legs isn't that kinda gay? What will your first race be? Race do I want to race what the hell I will give it a try. Sign up for Hells Kitchen as my first road race. You signed up for Hells Kitchen as your first race? Have fun on that climb. Okay what am I doing. Line up at the start line nerves you got I don't. Five minutes in I get dropped. I continue to ride with other riders at my fitness level. Get to the climb Trek 1000 triple thank God I have it. Thirty by twenty-six all the way up. People falling over next to me stopping pushing their bikes I was close finally made it. Finished my first race I love this. Do a most of the race season wearing boxer briefs under my shorts. Oh your supposed to go commando whoops. What are bibs? Those things are funny looking. Get some bibs. Get a new bike again on layaway this time a specialized tarmac expert. Holy crap 1700 dollars I could buy a car for that. Go make the last payment on my bike with a zero percent credit card. Do more races. Ride with people on different teams during the races encouraging them as they would sometimes do for me. Why do I need this it costs a lot of money. Do I really want to race this year. Is there more politics in cycling than......Politics? Do people see this sport the same way as me? Do we not all share the same love for the sport? Who is faster than who? Who has this gear? Who rides that bike? What bike do you have? Picture Eddy Merckx on his bike stringing out the peloton in the Hell of the North. Who helped me get into this sport and why? I have the answer now. IT'S GOD. He made me love this sport for some reason and want to do good things with it. Without all the politics and he said she said. I know I want to accomplish things on and off the bike to help other people. What does this mean being a missionary going on mission trips. Working in my backyard helping people with what life throws at them. Organizing rides for good causes. I don't know what it is but somehow I know God will let me know soon. I'm not your typical Christian I do things that other Christians would look down upon but I am forgiven of my sins. That's why he died on the cross for me and you. What does this all mean? I don't know. When will it start I don't know I just know it will soon.

Have you ever written your thoughts? I mean your real thoughts. Just what you are thinking at the moment in time. I just did and the best thing is I don't have to proof read. HAHAHAHAHAHA